How To Get A Bikini Body

Hey y'all! Excuse the mini hiatus, I've been doing absolutely nothing. * As ol' T.S. Eliot wrote, 'April is the cruelest month.' And while he goes on about flowers and the futility of our existence, there truly is no doubt in any of our minds that what he means is: April is the cruelest month because everyone is TRYNA GET THAT BIKINI BODY!**

Also, just hide your disgusting body in a innertube and pray you sink.
Everyone's beach time will be ruined by the sight
of you enjoying yourself in a less than perfect body.

It's that time of year when every magazine, promoted Facebook Ad, and really annoying friend won't stop using that phrase. But let's face it. Getting a bikini body is difficult AND expensive. (Hours at the gym, paying for the gym, paying for vegetables, hours figuring out what to do with the vegetables...)

However, I like to think that I shine in the face of adversity, plus I am very hip***, so putting those together I present you a the foolproof

D.I.Y. GUIDE TO GETTING A BIKINI BODY!

• Head over to a local beach/shore/pool/watering hole and you'll see dozens of women lounging in bikinis. More likely than not, one or two of them will have their heads covered by a towel or a large hat. Simply pull out a large machete, slice off their head, and there you have a ready to go bikini body,
• Depending on the time of year, you might not be able to find bodies readily outfitted in a bikini. Luckily stores start pushing these tantalizing two-pieces in February. Target is a great store to find a cheap and fun bikini. It is also often heavily populated. Bring along that handy machete and just chop off a head, get in the check-out line, grab a Frapp from the Starbucks, and you're good as gold. Just make sure you get the right size.
• Oh, another easy place to find ready to go bodies are tanning salons.
• Don't be afraid to visit a local morgue, if you're weird about decapitating live humans! It's messy, but it's fun!
• The important part is not to let someone else to the decapitating for you--it's D.I.Y not D.I.Someone else!
• After you've assembled your bikini body, flaunt it! Bring it to the beach! Rock it on casual Friday (scandalous!) Or just lounge on your roof with that chiseled corpse!
• In conclusion, what you'll need is 1) A machete 2) a sense of whimsy.

Finally, don't hesitate to constantly remind everyone it was D.I.Y. Hopefully the sheer impressiveness of your craftiness will overrun the horrendous charges of manslaughter you face. Plus, we live in an image obsessed society, so there is a good chance the jury will understand the need to KILL FOR PERFECTION. ;-)

*jk, I can't even tell you how many band practices I've had.
**I don't mean to brag, but I was a poetry major in college. I was also a major BABE.
***When in conversation about bikini bodies, be sure to mention sexy parts of the human body like 'hip' or 'throat' or 'slim ankles'.