How To Get A Bikini Body

Hey y'all! Excuse the mini hiatus, I've been doing absolutely nothing. * As ol' T.S. Eliot wrote, 'April is the cruelest month.' And while he goes on about flowers and the futility of our existence, there truly is no doubt in any of our minds that what he means is: April is the cruelest month because everyone is TRYNA GET THAT BIKINI BODY!**

Also, just hide your disgusting body in a innertube and pray you sink.
Everyone's beach time will be ruined by the sight
of you enjoying yourself in a less than perfect body.

It's that time of year when every magazine, promoted Facebook Ad, and really annoying friend won't stop using that phrase. But let's face it. Getting a bikini body is difficult AND expensive. (Hours at the gym, paying for the gym, paying for vegetables, hours figuring out what to do with the vegetables...)

However, I like to think that I shine in the face of adversity, plus I am very hip***, so putting those together I present you a the foolproof

D.I.Y. GUIDE TO GETTING A BIKINI BODY!

• Head over to a local beach/shore/pool/watering hole and you'll see dozens of women lounging in bikinis. More likely than not, one or two of them will have their heads covered by a towel or a large hat. Simply pull out a large machete, slice off their head, and there you have a ready to go bikini body,
• Depending on the time of year, you might not be able to find bodies readily outfitted in a bikini. Luckily stores start pushing these tantalizing two-pieces in February. Target is a great store to find a cheap and fun bikini. It is also often heavily populated. Bring along that handy machete and just chop off a head, get in the check-out line, grab a Frapp from the Starbucks, and you're good as gold. Just make sure you get the right size.
• Oh, another easy place to find ready to go bodies are tanning salons.
• Don't be afraid to visit a local morgue, if you're weird about decapitating live humans! It's messy, but it's fun!
• The important part is not to let someone else to the decapitating for you--it's D.I.Y not D.I.Someone else!
• After you've assembled your bikini body, flaunt it! Bring it to the beach! Rock it on casual Friday (scandalous!) Or just lounge on your roof with that chiseled corpse!
• In conclusion, what you'll need is 1) A machete 2) a sense of whimsy.

Finally, don't hesitate to constantly remind everyone it was D.I.Y. Hopefully the sheer impressiveness of your craftiness will overrun the horrendous charges of manslaughter you face. Plus, we live in an image obsessed society, so there is a good chance the jury will understand the need to KILL FOR PERFECTION. ;-)

*jk, I can't even tell you how many band practices I've had.
**I don't mean to brag, but I was a poetry major in college. I was also a major BABE.
***When in conversation about bikini bodies, be sure to mention sexy parts of the human body like 'hip' or 'throat' or 'slim ankles'.

W.G.L.B.

Scenario: You're at the club.
Scenario: The music is BUMPING!
Scenario: You're a white girl. Okay, jk I'm not going to racially profile, but in my humble experience, after years of being a white girl, we tend to be the most guilty.

Okay, so you've had a few vodka sodas in you or whatever the fuck it is you need to just BREAK LOOSE and LIVE.IT.UP on that dance floor, girl. It is the freaking weekend and in the name of R.Kelly may he REST IN PEACE (loljk still alive) you are just tryna have you some fun (bounce bounce bounce.)

You graciously slurp up the rest of your drink, side eye and nod toward your best girl friends, and BOOM all of you are on the dance floor ready to lure in future ex boyfriends. And you look phenom, B-T-DUBS.

• Your butt: Toned to perfection thanks to all those pilates DVDs.

• Your hair: Perfect volume, perfect length, ready to just twirl around as you bust crazy moves all night.

• Your make up:Belongs in the FUCKING Louvre.

• Your confidence: Literally through the roof. Like "Ex-squeeze me, Hilary Clinton, but I think I am solely responsible for shattering that glass ceiling. Glad you took advantage of following in my courageous footsteps."

Save The Last Dance is an excellent documentary about WGLB.

Only one thing left to do, and that is dance. Begin. Raise one arm in the air, wrap the other arm around your body, twist your hip, shimmy shimmy, bite your lip.bite.your.lip.bite.your.lip.bite.your.lip.

Ladies and gentleman, what I like to call, 'The White* Girl Lip Bite.' In one simple move, bottom lip tucked neatly under your top set of teeth, you can seriously convey the subtlety of your sensuality and the vigor of your sex drive. In the single gesture, a suitor can see just HOW fun, HOW sexy and maybe HOW beautifully shy you are. Like, you aren't always at the club busting moves you are also studying to be an organic chemist and by the way this is the first time you've worn contact lenses. Most importantly, the WGLB solves the age old issue of what to do with your mouth while dancing.**


*Disclaimer: All races and genders eligible to use WHITE GIRL LIP BITE, the name is simply derived from the species first witnessed using this mating ritual.
**  Note: Don't put your fingers in your mouth.

You Can't Instagram Everything, But You Should Try

What a week? Am I right? First we celebrate some dead white guys and an alive half white guy, and then it's Smokey Robinson AND Jeff Daniel's birthday, and it's like seriously, how am I supposed to keep up with how exciting this week is?! Do I even OWN enough Aderall?!?!

So, like everyone, I've spent more time than usual on the computer trolling my high school classmates' new boyfriends and the food they've instagrammed. (Both look delicious--get it, girl!) Feeling super up to date on people I don't care about's lives makes me feel both accomplished and creepy. But here is the thing, y'all, I don't deny it. I have a Facebook and I use it. Not a lot of things bother me (loljk, I have a blog, clearly a TON of things irk me) but something that really gets on my nerves is when people* pretend like they 1) don't Facebook stalk people when they clearly do and 2) that their participation in social media is somehow accidental. (No one is that whimsical!)

Example: I ran into a friend the other day who I hadn't seen in a few months. Really nice guy. Okay face. Soul of Gold. Body of soft maleable lumpy gold. Anyways, here is an excerpt of our conversation.

Me: Glad things are going well for you. I've been doing great, too!
Him: Yeah? Awesome. Oh man, I heard you didn't have heat in your apartment...
Me: Heard? Oh you mean--
Him: No, someone told me you didn't have heat in your apartment. Ok, gotta go, haha, BYE. 

And just like *that* he tripped down an entire flight of subway stairs. But I knew that no one had told him I didn't have heat because 1) we have very few mutual friends and 2) I highly doubt anyone cared past raising their eyebrows about me not having heat. He read it on my blog. And he found my blog because I purposely post it on every social media platform my work computer let's me access. (Still working on linking from my YouPorn account.) (just joking) (I'll never link from there.)

This also works vice versa when people try to make you feel creepy because you reference/remember their tweets. But don't act coy! Those tweets didn't mistakenly make it from your secret diary to your twitter/Facebook/whatever. You were clearly sitting on the toilet drafting the most clever way to let everyone know something funny happened at work and when you hit send being like, "BINGO! Bring on the retweets!" We're living in a share-share-share world. That's why we watch Catfishing Housewives of LA. That is why I don't unfriend people's ex boyfriends who now have face tattoos.

Take pride in all those grilled cheeses you instagram, the selfies you post, or the song lyrics you tweet. Or don't. Whatever. But don't pretend like anything you post on the internet is ultra-personal, secret, and not being checked out by some creepy dude at 3 in the morning.


* 'people' here being people who are active on the internet/social media. This might not necessarily be you, and if that's the case I probably think you are mysterious and have a super huge crush on you.