Experiments in Calling my Improv Team a "Band" Pt. 2

Bartender: Hey there, what can I get ya?
Me: Oh, nothing for right now. I'm with the band.
Bartender: Band? We aren't a music venue..we have--
Me: --no no, don't worry it's cool. You might not recognize me.
Bartender: To the left is the door to the basement stage if that's what you mean...
Me: You read my mind, brotha. 

Me: So I want my band's name tattooed on my lowers ribs.
Tattoo artist: Ok, great. What kind of music do you guys play?
Me: Go fuck yourself. *runs away*

Me: Hey, so what'd you think of my band's demo tape?
Friend: You just linked me to a comedy podcast.
Me: Hahha...yeah...Good, right?

Me: What would you say was the funniest lyric I said last night?
Therapist: You are completely disillusioned. 



How To Get A Bikini Body

Hey y'all! Excuse the mini hiatus, I've been doing absolutely nothing. * As ol' T.S. Eliot wrote, 'April is the cruelest month.' And while he goes on about flowers and the futility of our existence, there truly is no doubt in any of our minds that what he means is: April is the cruelest month because everyone is TRYNA GET THAT BIKINI BODY!**

Also, just hide your disgusting body in a innertube and pray you sink.
Everyone's beach time will be ruined by the sight
of you enjoying yourself in a less than perfect body.
It's that time of year when every magazine, promoted Facebook Ad, and really annoying friend won't stop using that phrase. But let's face it. Getting a bikini body is difficult AND expensive. (Hours at the gym, paying for the gym, paying for vegetables, hours figuring out what to do with the vegetables...)

However, I like to think that I shine in the face of adversity, plus I am very hip***, so putting those together I present you a the foolproof
  • Head over to a local beach/shore/pool/watering hole and you'll see dozens of women lounging in bikinis. More likely than not, one or two of them will have their heads covered by a towel or a large hat. Simply pull out a large machete, slice off their head, and there you have a ready to go bikini body,
  • Depending on the time of year, you might not be able to find bodies readily outfitted in a bikini. Luckily stores start pushing these tantalizing two-pieces in February. Target is a great store to find a cheap and fun bikini. It is also often heavily populated. Bring along that handy machete and just chop off a head, get in the check-out line, grab a Frapp from the Starbucks, and you're good as gold. Just make sure you get the right size.
  • Oh, another easy place to find ready to go bodies are tanning salons.
  • Don't be afraid to visit a local morgue, if you're weird about decapitating live humans! It's messy, but it's fun!
  • The important part is not to let someone else to the decapitating for you--it's D.I.Y not D.I.Someone else!
  • After you've assembled your bikini body, flaunt it! Bring it to the beach! Rock it on casual Friday (scandalous!) Or just lounge on your roof with that chiseled corpse!
  • In conclusion, what you'll need is 1) A machete 2) a sense of whimsy.
Finally, don't hesitate to constantly remind everyone it was D.I.Y. Hopefully the sheer impressiveness of your craftiness will overrun the horrendous charges of manslaughter you face. Plus, we live in an image obsessed society, so there is a good chance the jury will understand the need to KILL FOR PERFECTION. ;-)

*jk, I can't even tell you how many band practices I've had.
**I don't mean to brag, but I was a poetry major in college. I was also a major BABE.
***When in conversation about bikini bodies, be sure to mention sexy parts of the human body like 'hip' or 'throat' or 'slim ankles'.


What Your Profile Pic Says About You

On The Beach: You are a fun and down to earth person that enjoys the simple pleasures in life.

At A Bar: You are a fun and active person who enjoys being social. You are the life of the party!

Professional Headshot: Look out, everyone! Up and coming movie star! But seriously, everyone is excited you are making promising steps to furthering your career!

Your Face is Obscured: Very artsy! In a way, you are refusing objection, denying the viewer's gaze which ultimately is their ownership over you.

With Black Face: You are a racist bigot with little understanding or compassion for other humans!

A Selfie: You looked good! Ain't no shame in doin' your thang! But don't have TOO many!

Re-enacting a Famous Look: Also very artsy! You're a modern day Cindy Sherman!

Holding An Animal: Make sure to caption it something like "With my cute puppy!" because I will definitely think you have morphed into an animal and have a big human friend!

Your Favorite Cartoon: Similar to the animal profile pic, I will assume you are living in an animated reality and I will also resolve to stop regularly consuming acid tabs!

Candid Shot of You Doing a Sport: Sports!

Lighting the Hair of World Leaders on Fire as You Laugh Maniacally Behind Them: Sense of wonder and whimsy! Also, your account will probably be deleted soon as you will be retained by the FBI!

From a Halloween Party: Bitch, it is April, get your social media skills back on track!