To The Class of 2013

Ah yes, it is now the month of May. If you're a senior in college, that means but one thing. You are about to graduate. You are about to embark upon the big bad world of jobs, loans, new friendships, your own cellphone bill....

You've spent four whole years* gathering the knowledge to contribute and succeed in a troubled but persistent and sometimes hopeful society. You have the vigor of a student and have recently acquired the knowledge of our world's most learned scholars. You know it'll be a challenge, but in that ascent comes strength. I'm sure your uncles and professors (who are somebody else's uncles) are giving you beautiful parting wisdom, and I'm sure you will have a Commencement speaker who did something sort of important in 2003 whose words will stay with you forever.** But I have one piece of advice that I would like to throw into the ring and that is just.do.not.fucking.graduate.

Oh my jesus christ on a hot cross bun. Do you know after college you don't get to nap? There are no fucking  gaps in your day for you to conveniently curl up and take a little snooze. Perhaps you are one of the soulless people who doesn't nap or "doesn't know how to nap" to which I say, "you are no college student in my eyes if you have not tried to nap between a 15 minute class gap."

Meal plans don't fucking exist. My college had great food. And so does the real world. But I'll be damned if you think there will be cereal options in the morning. Jesus christ just eat Lucky Charms or whatever off brand Lucky Charms your college offers because you will never see it again. Stuff the fucking marshmallow charms in your pockets or tape them into your memory journal because when you try to buy Lucky Charms after college people will assume you are bringing them home to your child.

Ohhhh mmmyyyyyy hoollllyyy mother of swiss cheeese do.not.graduate. Find a way to fail your last class. Punch a dean. Expose yourself in the campus center. Torch all the Lucky Charms in the dining halls. Do.not.fucking.graduate.

Free gym. There was a free gym at my school. I would walk into the gym at 1 pm on a Tuesday, do a single crunch, and then roll around on my stomach to the best of Ciara. It was free. Hell, they even had classes they TRIED to get me to take. Do you know that after fucking college there are WAITLISTS TO GET INTO GYMS? I don't even want to go BUT I HATE BEING EXCLUDED. It's like TAKE MY MONEY MAKE ME BEAUTIFUL. But you won't be beautiful, you'll be like this. 

But seriously, best of luck to all of you graduating. It will be fine. But if you have any self respect, just do not fucking graduate.

*plus 3 or 4 extra semesters
** forever= until you are wasted that evening with your grandmother.