Don’t be the person to initiate the canceling. Hold off on
all contact until the other party reaches out, wondering why you have been
avoiding “cementing the details.” If you are lucky, they have also read this
guide, and are also sitting on their couch not calling you. If that’s the case,
read no further.
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If they do call, act surprised at the mention of the plans.
Perhaps it may guilt them into thinking they’ve invested too much into your
friendship and that they should reconsider their eagerness. Hopefully, they
will be shamed into retreat. If that’s the case, read no further.
Though, it is likely they will remind you, “Kady, we’ve had
these dinner plans for weeks” to which you enthusiastically respond, “Of
course, I’ve been looking forward to it so much!” Allow for a three second
linger. Feel free to add in a slight cough or wheeze. Hopefully they will get
the immediate hint that you might be coming down with a cold and for fear of
their sacred health, cancel the plans themselves. If that’s the case, read no
further.
Post-linger and still
no relinquishment from the other party? Verbalize the state of your health and
reenact the exact moment of your day when you started to feel ill. “Right after
lunch, I was riding the elevator back up.” Press further. “And I passed the most acute gas.” Elaborate.
“I usually pass a little gas after
lunch, but this was more severe. I
definitely noticed this pass of gas.”
Back down a little, allow them to show concern. “Oh no, don’t worry, I don’t
think I’m dying.” Bring up possibility of dying. “But I don’t want to aggravate
anything. There is always a chance of dying.” Surely, at this stage, they will
understand that this dinner date is not worth risking the possibility of death.
If that’s the case, read no further.
Of course, the other party is your friend and they are
concerned for you. They might concede to canceling dinner, only to offer
showing up at your residence and taking care of you. And of course you are not
avoiding the actual dining part of the plans. In fact, you have already microwaved
an Amy’s Pot Pie and are standing in the kitchen devouring it in your underwear,
rifling through the freezer to find that half eaten Ben and Jerry’s pint. You
are avoiding the social part of the plans. In what is hopefully the last
attempt to tell your goodhearted leach of a friend you just want to indulge in
a solo Say Yes to the Dress marathon and not discuss Hilary Clinton or that
creepy dude at your office, just pretend to die on the phone. Ideally, link it
to the back story of being sick earlier, but don’t hesitate to pretend to trip
over your cat and fracture your spine. Whisper
your final wishes into the receiver.
Let the matter rest a day or two, and send a courteous
follow up text, “Not dead, feeling better. Drinks Friday?”
