F*ck a Pumpkin

Fall is just around the corner and that means a ton of things. But the paramount symbol of Fall, the signifying cue that Autumn has arrived and the last hint of underbutt must retreat into the cradle of wool leggings, is that on every street corner, atop every dinner table, blended delicately into every food and beverage, is a pumpkin.

And the pumpkin isn't like nutmeg during Christmastime or flasks of whiskey during Little League Baseball season, which people use sparingly to spruce up the occasion. As soon as the weather turns just slight enough so that people can justify throwing on an Old Navy Performance Fleece vest or strangling themselves with an infinity scarf, they start fucking abusing pumpkins. Yeah, abusing. I said it. It's not a sprinkle here and an flavor shot there. It's like, glean every fucking field in North America that has something round and orange growing from it* and throw it directly into a churn that either dispenses Starbucks drinks, small handmade pies, or Yankee candles.**

Creepy ass fuckin' pumpkin town I hate it. 

You would think pumpkins were a BuzzFeed list the way people post about it on social media. Hell, pumpkins might as well be an edible Beyonce song. (Happy birthday Beyonce, I love you, call me, ok, great.)

People are trying to slip pumpkins into places pumpkins don't fuckin' belong, man! It's getting sick. Keep that shit in bagels, frothy lattes, and the occasional beer, but don't start pushing pumpkins in fuckin' Pringles. You might like your pumpkin but I assure you, your DOG DOESN'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT A PUMPKIN unless there is a squirrel hiding in there. 

Man, I didn't want to have to go here but I'm just going to say it. Fuck a pumpkin. Happy Birthday Beyonce. Till next time... 

*plz skip over Jersey, don't want to behead tanners

** guilty. this is just a promotion for my blog turned Yankee candle turned blog again...