Emergency Boyfriend

In case you haven't checked any social media in the last week, you might not know that the mid-atlantic and northeast regions of the United States are going through a full blown Day After Tomorrow deep freeze. But honestly, if you aren't going outside AND you aren't living under your blankets live-tweeting your Netflix marathon, I 1) have no idea what you do and 2) we probably have nothing in common.

While the whole world is thinking up hilarious weather related puns for their Facebook statuses, I am living in a bedroom that currently does not have any heat. Now I am a Girl Scout Veteran so I have some experience in subzero (CELSIUS!) weather but in this case I'm not able to satiate my woes with pounds upon pounds of trail mix until I pass out from gluttonous exhaustion. On top of having to sleep in a full suit of underarmour (when I wear it I count it as a trip to the gym) our kitchen pipes have frozen and we have no running water in half of the apartment.

Where is Ty Pennington when you need him?! Fix that heat, get new pipes, AND MOVE THAT BUS!

Here is a little snow bunny who is trained in the ways of staying warm.

Alas, our building's Ty Pennington is this dude named Max*, who other than making prolonged eye contact with you while nodding his head, has nothing else in common with the bronzed god of Extreme Home Makeovers. (Also, I think Max might be just dozing off and thinking about nachos...)(but who can blame him??)

Anynoodles, my heat isn't working which has turned into an unsuccessful attempt to quickly find an emergency boyfriend who has heat and will let me sleep over. So far, these are the following things that will definitively not get you a quick boyfriend:

• Ask if he has temporary room in his bathroom cabinet to store your meds.
• Call him up and chatter your teeth menacingly into the phone, never explaining who you are.
• Call him up and sob into the phone, never explaining who you are.
• Get pregnant with his baby.
• Stand outside his window with a boombox, because even if he thinks it is cute, in this weather you will freeze and die. And we don't have room in our hearts for another Manti Teo situation.
• Send him this song, mostly because he will be disappointed when you turn out to not be Aaliyah.
• Tell him you will literally die without him. 
• Ring his doorbell and while waiting for him, start a small fire outside to keep warm. Sing traditional hobo tunes. Start living the hobo lifestyle. Never look back.

Welp, hopefully you weren't trying to actually trying to get an emergency boyfriend, because those were the opposite of tips. In the meantime, I am going to go complain to Max and make him scream MOVE THAT BUS until I am satisfied. 

Stay warm, stay strangers!

*one time Max drunkenly knocked on our door and just bellowed "I KNOW I SMELL CHEESE IN THERE."