Tryna?

I am not the wisest owl on the owl farm, but one thing I've come to realize about being a social twenty-something (Thought Catalog, hire me! Please!)* is that the difference between leaving a party at midnight and staying until 4 is if you're 'tryna.'

tryna [trahy-nuh]verb- like, you wanna, you gonna

God bless the US of Tryna because it makes us all do very silly things like stay up until 4 in the morning watching a boy play video games (I have since realized this might be an indication he is NOT tryna) or casually mention you play a musical instrument that you do not even own/are able to pronounce. Sometimes I believe that the world is simply being held together by the sheer energy of people tryna at any given time.

Not tryna.

Not tryna.

On the train the other day I heard a girl pretend to not know what French Toast was and then the dude pretended to believe that this girl he was romantically interested in truly did not know what French Toast was. He then proceeded to explain what French Toast was and she giggled and giggled and I'm sure they went home and put their mouths on each other and I sat there with my jaw on the floor thinking, vhat. ze. fug. (jk I was like, OH! THAAAAT'S what French toast is!)

Of course there is nothing wrong with tryna, but perhaps we have all taken it a little too far, to the point we are sacrificing what is actually unique, interesting, and charming about us. Sometimes all we wear are giant tags of MADE IN TRYNA, and we can afford to buy local.** I'm sure we have instruments we can actually play. I'm sure there is more to talk about on a 7 minute train ride than how cute your gluten allergy is. And for goodness sake, the other person is also probably tryna so go watch Netflix and fall asleep together at 11:00 pm because that is truly the happiest you can ever be,

*I imagine Thought Catalog paying people in those free Itunes samples from Starbucks. 

**That is by far the worst pun/metaphor/sentence  I have ever written. Feel free to trip me next time you see me...

Judging OkCupid First Dates Based Solely on Usernames (pt. 2)

Mhm, yah, ok, I am wine drunk and am not listening.

BankingOnLove
This guy went to Syracuse and majored in American Studies. You might have thought he would be a Finance or Business major, but you'd be mistaken. He didn't really get his shit together to impress his dad, plus he clearly has a knack for word play and nostalgic cheeky humor. We would go to a nice dinner with table cloths. One that maybe had two or three $'s next to it in NYMag.

PureIntentionX
He wears a fedora 6 days a week. Bowler cap on his day off.

DaftPun
If you were at a party with this dude, he would know at exactly at what point to start playing 90's nostalgia music. Which is cool, but he prides himself on it too much. And our date would consist of watching Youtube videos of sports bloopers.

HeyhiWhoa
Genuinely nice dude, and not like the 'nice guy' that the internet is suddenly hating on. OkCupid is still incredibly overwhelming to him and it is 85% luck, 15% slapstick humor that he managed to show up to the right place at the right time for your date (5pm, Happy Hour Nachos.) It'll be a fun date, but for some reason you won't be able to stop humming the Rocket Power theme song for a few days after.

sportssports22
Oh man, what is one thing this dude likes? Sports! Okay, okay, lets try hard to think of ONE MORE THING thing dude likes. Aw, fuck it, he just LOVES sports. You'll go to a pre-season baseball game which is super dope, but he won't notice when he spills an entire beer on your head from jumping up and down with excitement. Also, when he courteously asks you what you're interested in, and you mention liking Joni Mitchell and folk music, he'll just blurt out BOB DYLAN and smugly return his attention to the game.

ThiefOfYourHeart22
See "PureIntentionsX"


*as always, I did not actually go on dates with any of these bachelors. 

Supermodel (You Better Work!)

Ladies! Put your hands up! Put your hands down! Put them up again! Down! Up! Down! Okay, you can count that as going to the gym.

This morning I was walking back from a really great coffee shop, feeling jazzed, mostly caffeinated, and a little sweaty and I saw this VERY attractive guy. And he was rocking those like, hip, urban, ear plugs, and strolling his beautiful, slim, bike along with him. He probably ran the coffee shop I had been at, or like, works in an urban garden, or stretches leather for saddle bags for underprivileged kids.

Anyways, my immediate reaction when I saw him was to somehow walk more attractively and overall just emote my interest towards him through an intense stare/affectionate amble. But as soon as you start thinking about how you walk or try to actively make your walk sexier, it turns into the exact opposite of that. Also, it should be said, that there isn't really a way to walk incredibly sexy. It usually has to do with the mood, or the lack of clothes you have on, or the dim lit candles you've strategically placed around you.

So, because I had run out of my on-the-go candles, and because it was 34° outside and I will never love anyone enough to be cold and uncomfortable by my own will, I decided to just try and walk sexy.

But as it was mentioned, that is impossible. So what it really was, was me kind of rolling my shoulders and and angling my torso in his general direction. I'm sure NatGeo could do a whole half hour special on Kady Ruth's failed flirty body language, complete with narration by David Attenborough.

It probably looked like a slow motion, sensuous, electric slide. Yeah, and I guess that wasn't really his thing. Because he didn't stop his walk to come over and start dancing with me. He did however, notice me. But that was because I sort of shimmied into oncoming traffic and a car honked at me. (Though, I think this was my subconscious way of creating a Damsel-in-Distress situation.)

Hopefully I'll see this mysteriouso maestro again, and this time I'll have my candles or something seductively foolproof like rollerskates (jk those actually fall on my list of unacceptable accessories: along with neck braces and toe socks.)

If anyone has advice for sexy walking or how to instantly attract a stranger who is standing approx. 5yds aways, 1) let a sister know, and 2) patent those moves and write a book like this.

Bonus video: