A Guide to Canceling Plans

Don’t be the person to initiate the canceling. Hold off on all contact until the other party reaches out, wondering why you have been avoiding “cementing the details.” If you are lucky, they have also read this guide, and are also sitting on their couch not calling you. If that’s the case, read no further.

If they do call, act surprised at the mention of the plans. Perhaps it may guilt them into thinking they’ve invested too much into your friendship and that they should reconsider their eagerness. Hopefully, they will be shamed into retreat. If that’s the case, read no further.

Though, it is likely they will remind you, “Kady, we’ve had these dinner plans for weeks” to which you enthusiastically respond, “Of course, I’ve been looking forward to it so much!” Allow for a three second linger. Feel free to add in a slight cough or wheeze. Hopefully they will get the immediate hint that you might be coming down with a cold and for fear of their sacred health, cancel the plans themselves. If that’s the case, read no further.

 Post-linger and still no relinquishment from the other party? Verbalize the state of your health and reenact the exact moment of your day when you started to feel ill. “Right after lunch, I was riding the elevator back up.” Press further.  “And I passed the most acute gas.” Elaborate. “I usually pass a little gas after lunch, but this was more severe.  I definitely noticed this pass of gas.” Back down a little, allow them to show concern. “Oh no, don’t worry, I don’t think I’m dying.” Bring up possibility of dying. “But I don’t want to aggravate anything. There is always a chance of dying.” Surely, at this stage, they will understand that this dinner date is not worth risking the possibility of death. If that’s the case, read no further.

Of course, the other party is your friend and they are concerned for you. They might concede to canceling dinner, only to offer showing up at your residence and taking care of you. And of course you are not avoiding the actual dining part of the plans. In fact, you have already microwaved an Amy’s Pot Pie and are standing in the kitchen devouring it in your underwear, rifling through the freezer to find that half eaten Ben and Jerry’s pint. You are avoiding the social part of the plans. In what is hopefully the last attempt to tell your goodhearted leach of a friend you just want to indulge in a solo Say Yes to the Dress marathon and not discuss Hilary Clinton or that creepy dude at your office, just pretend to die on the phone. Ideally, link it to the back story of being sick earlier, but don’t hesitate to pretend to trip over your cat and fracture your spine. Whisper your final wishes into the receiver.

Let the matter rest a day or two, and send a courteous follow up text, “Not dead, feeling better. Drinks Friday?”