Judging OkCupid First Dates Based Solely on Usernames

Plz tell me all about you?!!

drummerphysics

This guy likes two things--drumming and physics. Well, he probably also likes Reddit, python, and microwaveable chicken tenders, but he managed to narrow down the creme de la creme of his interests. These two things make him DESIRABLE.

On our first date he would keep trying to explain how airplane engines work and make horrible corny jokes to the waiter. Then he would ask if I wanted to go back to his mom's basement adn watch him drum.

djdoritos

Unlike drummerphysics, djdoritos might actually leave a 10 block radius of his house. He has probably gone to some parties, maybe even dj's at a few of them. He gets paid in rides to 7-11.

He is probably incredibly friendly and I'd like our date if I didn't notice all of the slimjim wrappers in his car.

librarydues

This guy has interacted with exactly 7 people and most intimately with a G.I Joe action figure. He has a lot to talk about but won't make eye contact with me until he declares in a creepy way that he will pay for the date. He has also ripped the napkin into a million shreds and ate a few pieces by accident.

Avantgarde7

Our date will be full of disappointment--all on his part. What? I haven't heard of this new underground space in his friend's loft where people take acid and listen to morse code backwards? Unfortunate. Well, then...how do I feel about Russian nationalism in the 1890's? Oh I don't have an opinion--unfortunate.

I'll feel shitty about being unworldly until I realize he is paying with his Dad's credit card.

*i did not actually go on dates with any of these people